New year. New start. New faces. New chances. New everything...
To be totally straight forward, the end of my 2011 year was totally miserable. Plan and simple as that. Plus to be honest i did not think it would have been that way at all...! The beginning of November i was soo excited for new years to come, i actually thought it was going to be the best new years. Being with you. You coming down here to be with me, just like the new years we spend together before, but better. ha, that was totally shot out of the water. Having your heart broken is one of the worst feelings you can go through, and i've been through it more than once, and you think it will get better each time. it never does, it seems to get worse...you feel empty; a bottomless pit. you just want to be alone, and your mad at the world.
The weekend before.
I was so happy. you were so happy. it was one of the bests two days we probably had for a while. i loved it. seeing you and being with you makes all my loneliness, pain, worry, and concerns go away. your hugs make me feel like home. being by you gives me the butterflies, haha. the way you play with my hair is so calming and feels so good. ha the way you look at me when you catch me looking at you. me teasing you, and how you try to tease me back but i never let you. being in the same room with you makes me always want to hold you, just to be near you. its crazy to know all the crazy things you do to me, i wish you could know. Make the most you can with all the time you can when you love and care for someone.
The weekend of.
I so excited to see you again, the second weekend in a row! we talked all week about it and couldn't wait. the night before i don't think i slept because the whole ride up i slept ha. butterflies and smiles was all i felt inside me.....but i never saw you. it's not your fault i kept saying to myself. but i can never stop the sadness and loneliness of not seeing you. then the feeling of hurt came of nowhere, and the worry. i almost felt you pushing me away? it's not your fault i kept reminding myself. it will all work out. that night all i wanted to do was sleep, we didn't talk at all that day. why? i don't know. the next day i waiting, waiting to hear from you. so much hope to seeing you....but i never saw you. why? i don't know.
Dinner that Night.
Finally hearing from you, i was upset. there is not time to see you now, why bother? im leaving. it's late. but you insisted on seeing me. i gave in, but i didn't want to see you. i was mad and hurt inside. why? i don't know. waiting for you to show up i felt a sickness in my stomach and my head hurt. why? i don't know. seeing you, i didn't know what to do. avoid eye contact. sitting next to you. i don't want to touch you. talking to you. i don't want to talk to you. sometimes it's easy or its hard to put on a fake smile on, almost natural how some people can do that. you kept trying to crack me down. break through my wall, and you did. I was smiling and happy again, it's crazy to know what you do to me. we were talking and laughing. sharing stories, always wanting to know my latest updates and stories. i like yours better. i like your voice. i like your eyes. i love your smile. i love you.
The Talk.
I hate that feeling. I hate it. all you can do is close your eyes, and let your heart sink in your chest. You'll always know that feeling when it is coming when you love someone. Why? i don't know. I've felt it before with you. but this time....it's different. it feels cold. unwelcoming. a stranger standing beside you and never wanting to leave you. I try hard to make the stranger leave by laughing. smiling. teasing. the stranger leaves. i hold you. you hold me. i feel my home again. i've missed my home. i tell you i love you, missed you. i tell you your concern and worry reminds me how much you still love me. you push me away. you keep pushing. i hold on harder. your becoming the bad guy. the stranger i didn't want to come back. but he's back, and this time he isn't going to leave me alone. why? i don't know. he speaks words. words that make me not be able to breath. my hands around him are letting go. more words. hands slipping. your not even holding me, your a stranger. remember to breath, remember. i can't look at you. i let go. i hold myself. do not cry. more words. do not cry. can i just leave now. i hold myself harder, keeping myself from falling apart. why did it change? what happened? I thought...i thought things were perfect. "make the most of the time we had.." tears are falling. what's the use now. let it out. it's done. pain, fear, anger, hurt, lost, and confused. why? i don't know. yours words of comparing, not waiting, love, future, confusion, concerns, letting go, friendship, the new, ect. it all hurt. just stop talking. stop. i can't breath, my face is hot, im shaking. it's crazy to know what you do to me. you try to make it better. you can't. just stop. stop. you try to make it better. i want to leave. you keep trying. why? i don't know. the words come to my mind over and over again. just stop. why can't they stop! why? i don't know. my heart breaks. why did you hug me? why did you try to make it better? why are you doing thing? why? why? why? why? i don't know. just stop. stop. goodbye. goodbyes are the worst. goodbyes are not fun. why do we have goodbyes? goodbye. that one word will break your heart and leave you there by yourself. its crazy to know what you do to me.
The Drive.
I don't think i ever stopped looking out that window the whole way home. in a ball with my blanket. holding myself. covering my face. trying to hide myself form the world around me. crying. ha, and you know what was so stupid! all the music on the radio was playing just for me and my heart. why? i don't know. just stop. stop it! leave me alone. i want to be alone. i want to sleep and never wake up again. the whole way home i probably had every memory played through my head. memories of us. smiling and laughing. every kiss. every i love you's. what were you thinking? what were you feeling? i waited to see if you were going to call...but you didn't. why? i don't know. i was alone. i wanted to be alone. i cried myself to sleep. when i woke up i cried. i cried and cried. i haven't done that for awhile. it felt good. just let it all out. i remind myself, "you can do this. im strong and i can be happy." over and over again. it's crazy to know what you do to me.
hahaha wonderful story huh? yeah... break ups are the worst and it's always hard to get over them. mine was so special and really one of a kind in my eyes. a pure, endless love. a true friendship.
I for sure i have my bad days which consist of me hating you! i don't want anything to do with you. your a butt. your stupid. lame. a loser. i don't want to talk to you. leave me alone! if i saw you i'd want to...slap you, hit you? if i did talk to you i would really like to be a brat to you. make you feel horrible for what you did. remind you what you did, you broke my heart. you broke your promises. just yell and scream in your face. and sometimes its hard/frustrating for me to explain to people when they ask how your doing i say how we're aka "just friends?" they just laugh and say "haha, yeah right shawnee you guys will always be together!" sooo i've come to the terms of me saying, "he broke up with me." yes. much better, no more laughing and they take me seriously now. yup, he broke up with me. another thing that is really hard to do is when i explain to people how he broke up with me and i say im hurt and mad, they tell me how can you be mad....give him so slack....(really?! how can i be mad? im not the bad guy?!)...he's a good kid and has good intensions....(well of corse he does, BUT why can't i be mad?! he broke my heart? i want to be mad... can't i just be bad for awhile?! sooo frustrating!)
On my good days i don't think about him as much. im not sad, im kinda happy. I don't think of all the negative but i think of the positive things that are to come from this break up. Im kinda excited, scared and nervous, but excited:) and i think of the good things that are good for him as well. i wish him the best and want him to have fun. really. we've always had talks about what we need to do in our relationship and to be honest i never liked them, but they were good talks and were for the best. he really does have a good heart and i know he still loves me. haha but he really over thinks things, but that's just how he is. always preparing himself and wanting to improve. but for now he'll have to do it on his own. he will go his way doing his own thins and ill go my way doing my own thing. for sure we will always be friends, we promised each other that and i plan on keeping it. but for us to be truly "just friends" i think it's easier if we don't see each other as much and to talk as much. we have to let go of our strong feelings for one another and i plan on doing that. im letting go. pushing myself and moving forward. im positive with myself and if it's meant to be it is meant to be.
It will be hard, and it still is hard. But im doing better and i smile more:)
